I love our neighborhood in the spring/summer. We live in a small “mills” village with a bay on one end and a lake on the other. The country roads in between have farms, cemeteries, fields- all things New England. We are three houses up from the lake and swim there at least once a day in good weather. It is where we met many of the people we know and an amazing place for kids.
I went for a walk last night at about 6 and was dumbstruck by how absolutely beautiful it is. The lupine are out and the colors are amazing. The sound of peepers and loons accompanied me as I walked, and I wondered if I would have thought it was all so ‘magical’ two weeks ago. I think I would have. In fact I know I would have because I have remarked on these things before. But cancer does make me corny.
I wanted to freeze the images in my mind in a way I haven’t before. The colors seemed even more amazing. It all made me think of the importance of life and what we take for granted. See ‘corny’. In my current state of balance (hopefully it lasts) the presence of cancer in our lives is a sort of pleasure/pain. It is hard, and in the beginning I would have traded it away for anything- and I still would if it becomes hopeless (it wouldn’t dare!) But for now, while we are confident that we are steering ourselves towards a good outcome, it has grounded and connected us in a new way.
It isn’t all flowers and puppies. I have started getting annoyed with my man for all the old familiar things again. My children still overwhelm and irritate me. But my husband and I are aware of each other in a new way, and I feel much more contented with these people who mean so much to me, ‘my family.’
I have been told that cancer is a great teacher and that cancer is a journey. If I could have a guarantee that this is the “eye opening’ kind of cancer – the one that makes you take stock of all that you have and open your eyes and start to truly live then I would say bring it on! Let us learn from you and then let us have our new and improved life.
My sad ending is melodramatic, and my happy ending is sappy sweet, what can I say -I am a drama queen!
My corniness also extends to cancer paraphernalia. I want to order my man t-shirts: “My cancer is rarer than yours,” “cancer is my bitch,” “piss on cancer,” “warning I have had radiation therapy- if you can read this you’re standing too close.” I understand that he may not want to wear them in public, but he could sleep in them. He said it would just be a constant reminder, (Um, isn’t your 5 centimeter tumor a constant reminder!?!?) But I will respect his decision for now, (he is getting this when all is said and done!)
I found this bumper sticker- ” Attitude is the difference between an ordeal and an adventure” and I just may order it for my car!
I am off to see Sex in the City, which according to a trustworthy source rocks despite only getting 17% on rotten tomatoes, and am sure I will have my cancer related interpretation for you tomorrow.