Everyone is a little bit under the weather in our house. There has been more crying, whinging, yelling and general grumpiness than usual. What can I say, it’s February in New England. To escape I took a walk around the neighborhood the other day and the light was perfect. It was just what the doctor ordered.
Speaking of doctors we are off for a scan next Friday. Actually the scan is already done and the MRI. In fact we already heard from our local radiologist that the scan looks good, so a week from this Friday is a date night in the city. Hopefully there won’t be any surprises.
My man and I had a doozy of a fight the other night. It was a perfect storm of internal and external forces- just the right mix of emotions and circumstances to send me packing off to my personal armory to dust off some of my biggest, oldest, and most loaded guns. The poor man never stood a chance.
I was a master of rhetoric: hitting him squarely between the eyes at every opportunity with my ammunition. And it was no ordinary ammunition. I hauled out my specialty items: honed over years of practice to go right for his weak spots. I shot to kill.
It was an old fight- one we have had many times. A fight that starts out over something small and quickly escalates opening up a path to all of our big underlying issues.
If I didn’t love my husband I might be proud of my skills. I am mean and ruthless. Nothing is sacred- his family, his country, the very nature of his being. And then to top it all off, when I am done- the fight is over. I walk away leaving him alone on a bloody battlefield. It would be a thing of beauty if he was truly my enemy.
But he isn’t. And maybe I am not the killer I think I am because I woke up the next morning sick to my stomach with guilt. But, if I have an armory of well crafted weapons, my man has also developed some superior defense mechanisms. He has learned to ‘take’ my attacks and survive them with hopefully limited damage.
The storm has passed and life is good again. I am done warmongering for a while. And I will try to remember the soul crushing guilt next time I get the urge to attack. But for now I can expunge myself here.
We finally got some snow and my man and I finally had a date. After weeks of my guy asking me to call the baby sitter and arrange an evening – a task that inexplicably seemed too huge- I gifted him a date for Christmas. Somehow putting it on a self made printed coupon gave me the push I needed to make it happen.
Even a last minute cancellation by the babysitter couldn’t foil our plans. A call to a back up sitter was a success and we were able to have our evening. We ate, drank, and were merry and even attempted to have a conversation about our next step in life. We are not sure what that may be, but my man drives more than an hour to work each way and it takes its toll.
The days of just taking off and starting over randomly seem to be over, but on the other hand…….
Lately Africa has been on my radar, but I know myself well enough to know it may just be a phase. I want an adventure and so far in my life adventure has equaled travel. Perhaps it is time to expand my definition. We did seem to agree that our next adventure doesn’t have to do so much with where we go but with what we do. I guess that’s progress.
And in the meantime there is nothing like a snow day, freezing temperatures, and a long weekend to help take stock of what is here and now. As always, I habitually need a reminder of the importance of these “everyday days. ” They are also an adventure albeit not always a glamorous one, but the one that counts.
I finally broke down and washed the salt and sand out of my hair yesterday. We had a wonderful holiday in the Bahamas with my brothers and their families. My older brother hosted and it was perfect: wonderful weather, good company, great food. My man and I agreed we haven’t felt that relaxed in a while and we needed it.
My brother and his wife are tremendous hosts, and I didn’t leave the property except to kayak to lunch one day.We relaxed on the cabana, kayaked, fished, snorkeled, and played on the beach.
We sat on the beach Christmas night around a bonfire and roasted green and pink marshmallows. We looked for shooting stars and launched wish lanterns. Each of the children wearing a glow stick so we could keep an eye on them and it struck me: the awesome memory we were making. I genuinely like all these people. You can’t choose your family, but I would choose these people.
I came home uncharacteristically inspired and with New Year’s right around the corner I have plans for 2012. An astrologer told me several years ago that 2012 would be a big year for me. And though I still sometimes worry that the “bigness” could have something to do with my man’s cancer, that it doesn’t is also a possibility.
It was tricky to launch wish lanterns on the beach with the wind, but we got a few up and we will launch some on New Year’s Eve as well. I have expanded my wish this year: health and happiness to all of my loved ones forever and ever. It doesn’t hurt to wish.
Happy New Year!
I have been trying to take more photographs. I want to develop my skill as a photographer and learn more about editing photos.I also want Flickr Explore to pick me and have thousands of people comment on my pictures. I want internet fame and glory and it disgusts me.
But, I am pushing those thoughts aside and instead trying to learn something. Trying to keep the inner judgement and ego in check. Today was my last full free day to prepare for Christmas, and I got a lot accomplished. I mailed a package to a friend, bought some gifts and even took care of some business at the bank. This left me with permission to take a photowalk in town.
Our little guy turned 6. We celebrated with a bowling party and he loved it. Days here continue to be busy, work, home, birthday, holiday. We leave for our Christmas trip in 9 days and I officially began my list of things to do today- committed to paper all of the tasks that have been swimming around in my head. I haven’t checked it yet, but I think I actually get to cross a few things off this evening.
We got our tree this weekend. We tried a new place- with neat rows of perfect trees it didn’t take us long to find our tree.
We got it home, turned on some holiday music, and trimmed the tree. I even made a first batch of cookies.
Second chances are amazing. The opportunity to re-make, re-do, re-think feels like winning the lottery. All is right in the world when you get a second chance: every thought, move, and action make perfect sense. With a second chance there is no choice, no deciding, no worry. There may be fear-but it doesn’t matter because you know the regret of the choice you made last time around. It is liberating to have no other choice. To go forward with more clarity and confidence than before.
More often than not we don’t get an exact second chance, so we should take all the great stuff that comes with a second chance and apply it to every first chance we get. Be confident, clear, full of luck and happy at each new opportunity. So, so, so much easier said than done, but it is the season and my brighter whiter side is said to be winning.
Folding laundry a few nights ago, I was feeling foolish for believing in second chances. “The jokes on me for believing I would get what I want. You never get what you want,” whined the dark voice bitterly. A smile spread across my face as I noticed the shirt I was folding: A favorite of my man’s. My brighter side took over and said with a grin, “sometimes you do.”
This time of year again. The slide from Thanksgiving to Christmas to New Year’s. A stressful, nostalgic time of year with a comforting weight that demands you acknowledge what you have. I find myself wearing rose colored glasses these days: thinking of miracles and the joy of life. A heavy velvet curtain separates the dark thoughts. One or two make an appearance occasionally: peaking shyly from behind the curtain. But even that doesn’t disturb me. The whiter, brighter side of me wins the fight at this time of year.
Now I have to come down off my cloud and get down to holiday business. We were away for Thanksgiving and are traveling again for Christmas. I love traveling and being with family, but Christmas away is different from a home Christmas. So I need to maximize my time here this year. If only the weather would cooperate. Unseasonably warm is the worse- it feels wrong on my skin. No matter, I will be nesting in my cozy home, warmed by the heat of the wood stove playing Ticket to Ride with my gorgeous family even if it is 85 degrees out. It’s that time of year.
Clean scans! 5 plus hours in the car and 30 minutes with Dr. B but all worth it for the good news. We are in the clear until February and we celebrated yesterday by going apple picking, and what a beautiful day it was.
It’s a scan day. We head to Boston this afternoon- another three months have passed. I am pretty nonchalant about it now. My man actually has his scans done here at home and sent off to Dr. B before our appointment and somehow this is reassuring. We both feel that if something were wrong we would probably be contacted before the appointment- so no news is good news for us. The childcare is arranged and in some ways I look forward to the trip to the big city and alone time with my husband.
On the other hand I did wake up in the night with a sinking feeling, I did bite my man’s head off last night when he announced the cat had ticks despite the Frontline I had applied (as if it was my fault,) and I did do an emergency load of laundry when I realized that my husband’s CCKMA (Cancer Can Kiss My Ass) shirt – that he wears to every scan and appointment- was dirty. But this morning I feel good again. The cat has been de-ticked and my husband left for work wearing his CCKMA t-shirt under his work shirt like a protective coat of armor.
I mean let’ s face it: life is good until it isn’t! A man died in a parade in our town last weekend: A terrible, senseless accident. I didn’t know him and thankfully I wasn’t there, but my dark, deathy side keeps dwelling on it. It seems these messages- life is short, enjoy it while you can are all around lately.
In the many things written about Steve Jobs last week, I came across a quote that went something like this: if you wake up every day thinking this might be the day I die, one day you will be right. As the title implies- random thoughts. Be well.