Say what you want to say

I am an Analyzer. I love to go all crazy up in my head- cancer has helped with that some. I still go all crazy up in my head, but then I talk about it- write about it. Get it out and make more space for new stuff. I am like a factory- take it in, churn it up, spit it out. I’d probably explode otherwise.

Yesterday I had yet another huge bad mood- but this time it only extended to my husband. The kids and I had a good day. But I didn’t want to be around my husband. I didn’t even want to talk to him. I wanted him not to exist, and he handled it well. He stepped lightly around me- making himself available but also taking the hint. This morning things were still a bit tense, but he braved the waters and asked me about my mood. I hate to admit it, but for most of my relationship life I have been one of those”nothing” girls. You ask me what’s wrong and I say nothing. Instead I let it take on a life of its own and demonize you and eventually explode¬†irrationally about something and end up having to apologize. I am proud to say, I am breaking that habit. Now when my man asks me what’s wrong I tell him.

This morning I snuggled into his arms, into that place where I fit just right, gave him a squeeze and said, “Honey I love you but you’re an asshole.” This is a great guy and I wouldn’t want anyone else, but he can be an asshole. He will admit it himself. ¬†”It is something about the way your mind processes,” I explained. “Like a machine,” he answered proudly.

This helped clear the air, but when he came home tonight I started to needle and tried to pick another fight. My lust for picking fights has dwindled as well. It was a half hearted attempt and we ended up in another snuggle. This is new- I don’t isolate myself anymore- I give into the snuggle and say what I want to say: I am tired of everyone taking care of you all the time. I am tired of hearing about every little thing your body is doing- can it be about me for a little while?

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