We are having a yard sale and spent the day today getting ready. My man was super stressed. I kept telling him: ”breath”, “don’t sweat the small stuff”, ”it’s only a yard sale,” etc. He gets intense about things in a way that I don’t. “This is probably what gave you cancer in the first place”, I scoffed. “Maybe all the shit in our shed gave me cancer,” he retorted. He then added thoughtfully, “actually, this probably started when I was little.” Yeah, now I can blame it on his mother. Sorry, I am still in a slightly cynical and sarcastic place.
I went to get my car inspected today. I dropped my car off and when I returned three hours later the garage was closed and my car was sitting there- keys in the ignition- with the yellow 09/10 sticker still on the windshield. A total waste of time. I should have played the cancer card. “Its been a tough summer, my husband has a rare and scary cancer, so please just give me my sticker without trying to make a buck, (you fuck).” (sorry, I couldn’t resist the rhyme.) Of course I am too shy to do it and rationally I get that just because my man has cancer I still need to adhere to the rules of society- but I want some sort of consolation prize.
I actually spent quite a bit of time yesterday googling, “free stuff for cancer patients.” There is stuff out there: free housecleaning, free wigs, free tote bags, free hats, free head scarfs, free medical transportation, free cancer retreats and these are wonderful services, but somehow not what I was hoping for.
I wanted to find something so amazing it would almost make you feel better about cancer: free upgrades to first class or free coach seats on all airlines to any destination, free hotel stays, free all expense paid vacations to Fiji or Bora Bora. Naively, I was a bit shocked to find nothing of the sort out there, (I did find some reference to Westin hotels letting cancer patients stay free on a message board but could fine nothing on their website to back this up- and somehow I doubt it.) My point is, it seems like we are entitled to something for our troubles. Is a hassle free inspection sticker too much to ask for, I don’t think so.
At kickboxing today- I hit the bag especially hard and thought, “fuck you life.” All my emotions were at the surface and I had trouble keeping back my tears. A friend approached me after class and asked if there was anything she could do. “It would make me feel good to be asked,” she said. I am constantly surprised and amazed by the kindness and support we have received. Maybe this is our consolation prize. I”ll take it, but a free trip somewhere amazing after my husband’s successful surgery to celebrate his negative margins wouldn’t hurt either.
p.s. sorry about all the swearing, hope no one was offended- felt good to get it out!