My man cried yesterday. Really cried for the first time. He said he feels pessimistic and like he knows that he will not be one of the lucky ones, because as he said -it is really all about luck, isn’t it.  I reminded him that  he is married to me which automatically makes him extremely lucky. But he has a point.

If it is really true that only 4 people out of a million are diagnosed with Leiomyosarcoma every year  than that makes him something. I mean give me a break what are the odds. It started me thinking about all of the “luck” in our lives that might give us some glimpse into the outcome of this situation. My mother died of cancer so doesn’t that mean I have already been dealt that card in life and therefore my husband will not. My man’s sister had an aneurysm 5 years ago and was literally at death’s door. We were told to say our goodbyes and she is fine today- a real miracle. Does that mean the miracles are used up for his family. My mother’s mother died of cancer, my mother died of cancer- are my children really going to lose a parent to cancer as well? How cruel is the universe. These are the thoughts that occupy my mind these days.

I have had two wedding rings since being married. The first I lost and the second  broke on the evening that we found out that my man’s tumor was not a hernia, and I remember thinking it was a bad omen. I went to a highly recommended astrologer last year and she read my charts. She didn’t mention anything. In fact, she said 2012 was going to be a “big” year for me. Was she seeing my husband’s survival or his death? In some ways I feel like I have always known this was coming, and on the other hand it is totally unbelievable. I am still waiting for the phone call that says this was all some mix up. I mean 4 out of a million what the f*@k!!!!!! I am a walking cliche right now- slowly making my way through the 7 steps of grief- grief that we have to deal with this.

I wonder when I won’t feel like crawling into bed and crying all day. Either that or watching Sex in the City- my man bought me the entire series for my birthday just 4 days before we found out he had cancer, more foreshadowing?- and it is perfect for shutting off my mind and tuning out.

I found this hopeful story and shared it with my man last night. I wish there were more like this out there. I feel a bit better now-it helps to get this all out of my head. I am off to watch a few episodes of SITC now. Whatever gets me through the day.


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