I am ferociously grumpy today, and I hate to admit it, but it is probably hormonal. Talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed: tears before coffee and a total inability to deal. Our son’s usually innocuous ‘mommy’ might as well be a vuvuzela in my ear, and when I heard our daughter enter our bedroom this morning I quickly shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep-I am definitely not winning any parenting awards today.
I found this great site for young people (20′s and 30′s- I don’t fit this category, but my man does,) dealing with cancer, and especially like this post. I wish I had seen it before my encounter with the ”I wouldn’t want to be you” lady. Today a woman said to me, ” I wouldn’t want to walk a mile in your shoes,” and despite my grumpy state somehow this was much less offensive. But there does seem to be a trend developing.
Everything does change, but I am also constantly surprised at how much it remains the same. We are dealing with some pretty heavy ‘non-cancer’ decisions in our life at the moment, and although they have nothing to do with my husband’s cancer it is almost impossible to make an un-cancer biased decision. Suddenly everything could have a deeper meaning: we are looking for ‘signs’ and my husband is worrying about karma, ( he never worried about this before.) On the other hand, my man pointed out that we will probably make this decision in the same way we have made most decisions in our life: half assed.
I am a procrastinator, and in order to counteract this I tend to make quick decisions. I like to run and jump: it feels like movement. My man has quelled this tendency a bit with his annoying German practicality and head driven logic- just another form of procrastination in my eyes-but we still don’t seem to put as much time and energy into ‘big’ decisions as others. Where most people fret and worry, I tend to have a ‘it’s just life’ attitude. What is the worse that could happen? um, your husband could get cancer and die-cancel, cancel.
Yesterday was sort of our wedding anniversary. We had two weddings: a legal ceremony on June 25th and a symbolic ceremony with family and friends on June 29th. Perhaps it is the confusion of the two dates or our general non sentimentality, but we never remember our wedding anniversary. My sister in law sent me a happy anniversary email, and I reminded my man that we have been married for 8 years. After my man’s diagnosis I had a moment where I considered taking his last name and now 6 weeks in, and I am back to forgetting our anniversary.
I took a walk last night with my man’s iPod. The Who’s Tommy accompanied me as I strolled our beautiful neighborhood. These lyrics struck me:
Sickness will surely take the mind where minds can’t usually go. Come on the amazing journey and learn all you should know.
Amazing journey my ass! Cancer Schmanzer- everything changes but somethings don’t. We still struggle with decisions and forget our anniversary. And I can still wake up in the worst hormonally induced mood ever!!