Our daughter has developed a hiss-growl that she uses whenever she isn’t happy about a situation. Like a feral, wild cat her hiss is impressive and powerful, ending with a slight guttural growl and sometimes clawing motions. She mostly uses it on her brother and, ”Bee, stop hissing at your brother” is something I find myself saying on a regular basis. She is almost 7 and while I try and encourage her to use words to express her dissatisfaction, I also admire her Hiss-Growl. It is a base reaction that so clearly expresses what needs to be expressed about the situation. I imagine it must feel immensely satisfying.
This morning I ‘accidently’ went on line and did a little Leiomyosarcoma research. I didn’t sit down at the computer with this intention but somehow that is what happened. It is a bit like picking a scab, you know it will hurt, but you can’t resist. I hate the internet, I hate the Leiomyosarcoma sites, I hate this cancer’s resistance to chemotherapy and radiation, I hate the talk of prolonged survival rates (and not cure), I hate the lack of clear answers, and I hate the doubt that is slowly creeping back: Hiss-Growl, Hiss-Growl.
Everything I saw seemed to say: you just never know with this cancer: you never know if it is gone, or if it will come back. Hiss-Growl, Hiss-Growl. I had forgotten (or tucked away) this wonderful quality. We need to be worried about this for the rest of our lives. Hiss-Growl.
But now that I have vented, (and even in its’ written form that Hiss-Growl is satisfying,) I should add that we had a lovely father’s day. It has been hot and summery all weekend, and we love it. We went to the beach and played World Cup soccer- the USA (girls) versus Germany (boys)- it was a draw. We took my man/papa out for lunch at a local lobster wharf, had a quick dip in the lake and went to see Toy Story 3. We came home to stuffed shells, a beautiful fruit salad, a savory salad- with delicious secret sauce, home made bread and a four leaf clover- all lovingly prepared by some great women who I am lucky to call my friends.
And on the beach today watching my family play, I thought: maybe it isn’t the worst thing to clearly face and get the ‘you never know’ quality of life. We are no longer waiting for life to happen to us, We are living it.
Tomorrow we have to go to Dana Farber to speak to a surgical oncologist: Hiss-Growl. But my man and I get to spend the day together and have lunch in the big city. I will wear my new dress, ask ‘great’ questions and maybe do some hissing and growling along the way.