I am procrastinating. I should be preparing for some work related activities, but instead I took a break to write.  The truth is I feel fairly prepared. I  am halfway through my to- do list and have the skill set necessary to complete my tasks, plus I am awesome: whoops did I just say that out loud?

I am a strange mix of cocky entitlement and low self confidence (although this is improving.) When I was growing up my mother always told me that I was special and I believed her. The problem is that she forgot to inform the rest of the world. Somehow her message to me implied that everyone else would know I was special and act accordingly. Obviously that isn’t the case, and the result has been me resisting any opportunity where I have to prove in any way shape or form that I am the right person for the job, school, situation etc.

If they don’t know it already than phooey on them. But refusing to prove to anyone that I was ‘special’ left me with a fairly empty bag of professional tricks and therefore a lack of self confidence. A viscous cycle which I believe I have broken. Just like the cliche – you can’t truly love others until you love yourself- you can’t really convince others of your capabilities until you believe them yourself. And so I feel confident- I sill think I am special, but now I can prove it to you.

And that doesn’t negate the fact that there are others in my field who may be special and can prove it too. But that isn’t important and it is beyond my control. And although on the surface this has nothing to do with my man’s cancer, I can’t help but feel it is part of the ‘new and improved’ ness of our life. I don’t have time for a lot of my own bullshit anymore: excuses and insecurities are a waste of energy. So here’s to another pattern broken- way to go growth and maturity! and now to stop procrastinating on the internet.


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