Not Much

Not much new today. Dr. B from Dana Farber called yesterday. He was walking in traffic and out of breath. I hadn’t realized what a strong Mass accent he has. Anyway, he said the types that respond to chemo have been ruled out. The type still isn’t 100%, but he reassured us that my man was on the right course. We spoke about the upcoming appointment with the surgeon. Dr. B said it will be an important one. When we asked if we could speak to a plastic surgeon on the 19th, he said, “great question.” So far most of our questions have been ‘great questions’ according to this doctor. We feel like we are getting cancer patient gold stars. My husband joked that we should think up the most ridiculous questions possible to test Dr. B and his ‘great question’ rating.

We received some new information about the radiation blend vitamins which has made me now think they are too risky, so that question is still being explored.

I had to go into work today for the first time this week. I am really not wanting to work and finding it hard to commit to anything. But this may not necessarily be cancer related. I have never had a job that I didn’t on some level feel annoyed with. It is pretty simple. I really resent having to be somewhere on days when I don’t want to be.  I have this resentment in other areas of my life as well. I am resentful of anyone, thing, or circumstance that causes things to happen in a way other than my way, (just like a 7 year old.) Traffic is a biggy.

Our community is quite small in the winter. Towards the end of May the roads tend to fill up with out of state plates. It is the bane of my existence. It takes me almost a month to accept this new situation, so for now every drive involves some road rage. This new population also spills into the grocery store. Suddenly it is a madhouse, and they have even had to install a number system at the Deli! I realize this is normal life for most people, but for someone who is resentful of anyone who gets in her way it can make for a lot of negative energy.

It is interesting to me that I don’t feel very resentful of cancer, (not yet anyway.) Cancer commands too much respect to just resent it. That isn’t a worthy response. I had a funny image in my head today while I was tailgating an out of stater: I am face to face with cancer, a worthy old nemesis, “So we meet again. Well cancer ass, I am older and wiser now, so if you want to dance -let’s dance!”

Hmm maybe I am resentful of this cancer. I do feel the need to stand up on my tip toes and yell in its big ugly face,” watch out f*cker !!”

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