Love and Crap

Yesterday my husband and I went to breakfast. Today we went to lunch. Two meals in two days just the two of us. Things are evening out and I am finally settling into life again. But I had to pick a big nasty fight to get here. I am a ping pong ball these days ricocheting between love and crap: life is lovely-life sucks, life is lovely-life sucks. This is human nature (I hope) and probably we all have days where things look good and days where things look bad. But since my man’s diagnosis my perception of good and bad is magnified. When things look lovely I am overwhelmed by our good fortune and on my darker days drama queen is a bit of an understatement.  And since my man’s diagnosis the darker days seem unacceptable.  I am allowed to be sad and feel crappy about cancer but other imperfections are just too much. We have cancer-no other crap allowed.

I was devastated to find old patterns, hurts, and disappointments popping up in my marriage. What happened to the bonded, unified, connected family? And of course in my own true fashion I suppressed these feelings until like an angry little steam train I exploded all over my husband with outrageous threats and accusations. He handled it like a champ. He always does. And today life is good again. Never underestimate the power of a tantrum.

I took the kiddos to school this morning and when I returned my man was at our neighbors baking bread. “Kneading the dough was hard,” he told me. Who knew you need strong abs to knead dough. We went to lunch while the dough was rising and he is over there again as I write preparing the dough for the oven. I am on the ‘good’ side of the ping pong table today and I think I’ll stay here for a while.

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