I woke up grumpy again, (if you’re tired of it imagine how I must feel.) It is oppressively hot and the ozone levels are high-what ever that means. We are three these days-our daughter headed back to school yesterday. So we three spent the morning at the lake trying to stay cool. My man can’t swim yet, (apparently lake water is the worst of the worst when it comes to bacteria- yum), but he wades and it was nice to have him along.
We found a shady spot, spread our blanket, and I started to cry. “I am a cliche,” I wept. “So what, be a cliche,” said my man, “what’s so bad about that.” I don’t want to be a cliche: the caregiver who at the end of the ordeal can finally breakdown. But something is going on. I want to have another baby, I want to travel, I want to live in another country again, I want to jump out of my skin. “Of course you do- babies and travel that is where you go to fill the void,” said my husband, and I fell in love again. He knows my crazy and he doesn’t mind. “What’s wrong with filling the void,” was my next question. “Nothing,” he answered, “but the void isn’t real.” This one has left me thinking, and I am not sure I agree. But I feel better already just having had this talk with my man.
My man’s cancer filled the void in some way- I’m not sure what that says about me, but it did. When I mentioned this to my husband he reminded me that he still has cancer. Maybe he always will. His prognosis is very good, and we have had nothing but good luck- no metastasis, negative margins, good radiation results. But sarcomas are tricky and have a fairly high recurrence rate, and I don’t trust cancer. We may be here again at some point in our lives. We have a post-operative check-up at Dana Farber and then we are done there unless…..It feels strange and good. We will do some research and come up with questions for Dr Raut and Dr. Butrynski- but I am about out of steam. We need to find a happy medium between being proactive and careful and also enjoying the ‘end’ of this tumor- because we definitely kicked its ass.
I will pack up some of the cancer stuff-some of it is already packed- in a box on a shelf high in my mind and if it comes back I will have this box to return to with all of my crazy, and all the information to help us along next time: cancel, cancel.