There is heaviness on me today. Fear, tension, nerves- probably all three. I can feel it in my stomach, my chest and in my skin: a tingling I get when I think about the surgery. I am an irrational worrier. I believe every airplane I board could potentially crash- I am afraid and worry about the least likely scenarios. I am not sure why-too much T.V, and too many movies? Am I just wired that way? These days I am blaming it on too many episodes of Grey’s Anatomy.
A lot of me knows that the surgery will be fine, but there is the masochistic me that has to run through every melodramatic scenario. The superstitious me that believes that things never happen the way you think so tries to imagine every likely disaster. On the positive side, I am spending less time in my head ruining my life than usual. I think I have wizened up through this experience. I don’t follow that voice as much as I used to.
The thing I most dread is seeing my man hurt and out of it. ” I want you to wake up and be yourself right away, ” I told him the other day. Oh I hope I won’t be a hysterical mess: the women who is always crying.
The surgeon booked the room for 4 hours. I will get to stay with my man right up until they take him into the OR. He will be given something to mellow him out and an epidural. In the OR they will put him to sleep and insert a breathing tube. The anesthesiologist will be with him at the head of the bed the entire time- monitoring my man. After the surgery he will be taken to the recovery room, and the surgeon will come and report to me. My husband will wake up with an oxygen mask on his face and booties that squeeze and release like a blood pressure cuff. He will be asked to take some good deep breaths to get his lungs awake again. After about an hour, I will be allowed to join him in the recovery room. He will be, “sleepy but arousable.” These details make it real.
Tonight my man and I have a date. We are off to a delicious Sushi restaurant. He is amazing. I admire the way he is handling all of this and I will tell him that at dinner. The weather continues to be great and we are enjoying quiet days at home and at the lake.
“You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”