Here’s what has been going on: I have been in transition. Feeling the shift from a nice worry free stretch to a more serious time. I feel the weight of my man’s cancer beginning to descend on our lives again. It affects the way I move through my day. Things are less and less easy.
We had a nice long period of ‘cancer free’ time and some distractions that put cancer in its’ place for a while. Days at the lake, clandestine night time activities, great summer weather and friends. I have a hard time letting all this go. I want to keep minimizing the tough stuff in our lives. I have been digging my heels into the ground and whimpering, “I don’t want to deal, I don’t want to deal..please don’t make me deal.” It takes a lot of energy to pretend everything is hunky dory when it isn’t, so in a way it was a huge relief when yesterday some other version of myself stepped up and put her foot down: Time to deal!!!
I can’t resist it anymore- I will peel off my blinders and prepare to dive in- let it all wash over me. The fear, the powerlessness, the life, the love, the reality. I am one of those balloon people you see at car lots flapping in the wind- hollow one moment and then suddenly full and ready to literally go with the flow. I am gathering my strength. It is time to focus and really experience this thing- otherwise what is the point. Maybe this is my trip around the world. It certainly is an adventure.
Surgery looms on the horizon and lots of unknowns (not a big fan if you hadn’t guessed.) I feel completely in the hands of fate. I have no control over all of these things. But I do have control over being alert and aware and connecting to my man and my children and my life. So I am steeling myself and preparing to jump- if you want to throw me a buoy every-once in a while that would be appreciated, but I am strong and ready to deal!!! (At least today I am.)