My New Old Self

Lately my friends have been telling me that I seem like my old self again. At first I thought, what a huge relief-I have been wanting to be my old self-  my ‘old self’  is a relatively new self for me. One that I have worked long and hard to truly like and appreciate. So when crisis rears its head and I long to just be me and have my ‘old life’ back it is a refreshing change from the days of wishing I was someone else. It is nice to wish to be yourself, it is really the biggest compliment you can give yourself. On my good days this is the way I feel.

But then my inner critic chimes in and I begin to wonder if by longing to be my ‘old self’ I might be missing out on something. Maybe I should just embrace the change or the ‘crisis’ and see how it morphs me into a new ‘old self.’ This is how regret manifests itself for me. I accuse myself of not being up to the challenge.When I think back on my life it seems like I am always either wanting everything to change or nothing to change at all.

For me it is about the changes that we can control in our life and those we can’t. Unfortunately I can’t control my husband’s cancer. I can be sad that he has cancer but because I have no choice there is no regret. No choice = no regret, choice = regret. Which is better-to have no choice or to have no regrets? I think I like the absence of responsibility that comes with the no choice option. Unfortunately these days I am all about the regrets.

I need to work on taking responsibility for my choices and having no regrets. I wish this for my next new old self. But for now I will quiet my inner critic, “shut up for a minute would ya,” and get back to appreciating my current new old self-the one I longed to get back to. To her I would like to say:

“you’re doing great sweetie”  and “it’s all right to cry” and “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” and “chin up- feet forward” and “be patient and tough- someday this pain will be useful to you” and lots of other fitting cliches and qoutes. Don’t forget all the reasons you wanted to be you again- so here you are- embrace it!!!


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