More and more people at work know about my husband’s diagnosis. Today a colleague approached me and asked in a concerned tone, “How are you?” I said fine and asked her how much she knew? She replied, “enough to know I wouldn’t want to be you.” I hope you’re shaking your head and saying “what!!!” because you should be. I think she meant well, but this reply is so outside the box of appropriate responses that I was literally speechless. In fact my first thought was, “why wouldn’t you want to be me?” A month ago I was a mess who didn’t want to be me either, but these days being me is just fine.
Last night my man and I had a familiar old spat. I accused him of being my third child and he answered, “yeah, so!” He said something snotty ( I honestly can’t remember what,) and I said, “right back at ya,” and went to sleep. We made up this morning and marveled at the fact that despite cancer in our lives we can quarrel again. So why not be me.
I had a check up a week ago and my physician gave me advice on handling stress. He pointed out that moms, (other people too, but especially moms), need at least an hour (more is preferable) of down/alone time in the evening. It made me feel a lot less guilty about my tendency to veg out to the boob tube most nights: doctor’s orders. So why not be me.
I was talking to my man about my blog today. He doesn’t read it. I told him he should. “It reminds me I have cancer,” he said. “But it is very positive,and I make soccer analogies, ” I enticed. I am not sure if he will read it or not. But I was reminded of his perspective. I explained to him how confident I have been feeling and he shared his thoughts. He is much more positive than before, but he hasn’t disallowed the possibility of death like me. But between me and my man we have some balance. Fear is real but that doesn’t mean we can’t be confident and determined. So why not be me.
We are preparing for Dana Farber on Monday. On our first visit there I remember remarking to my man, “I don’t understand why everyone here isn’t crying.” I bet I won’t cry on Monday. So why not be me.
It is a serious cancer, but my man’s prognosis is good and cancer doesn’t mean death so lady….why not be me!!!!