I Had Forgotten

Oh, I had forgotten how inconvenient cancer is. Tomorrow we are back at Dana Farber after a 3 month hiatus for my man’s first 3 month scan. I had forgotten the complicated business of getting everyone’s schedules and after school care coordinated. I had forgotten the miscommunication and confusion when dealing with multiple hospital departments. My man and I thought we were being clever when we made his first scan for  10:15- leaving our selves plenty for time for the 3 hour drive, or so we thought. But Butrynski’s people made the appointment and then CT  informed us last week that although his appointment is at 10:15 he has to be there 2 hours prior to drink the contrast- a contrast that he can only get at Dana Farber and no there isn’t enough time to ship it. I had forgotten just how difficult and time consuming and exhausting and not easy the cancer care can be. And I wasted a bit of time being furious at Dana Farber and my husband: they know we live 3 hours away why didn’t they warn us about this, why didn’t my man figure this out, etc, etc.

And then I recognized that all that anger is really just misdirected fear. When I am scared, threatened, or feeling insecure I usually start to bitch, complain, moan and groan and my favorite: blame others. My man and I  feel confident, but as the clock ticks away the hours to that moment when Dr. Butrynski comes in and gives us our results it becomes clearer how insignificant feeling confident really is.

I have plans for the rest of my week: meetings, kids events etc. Christmas is right around the corner, a New year’s party, our trip to Costa Rica in February- it feels like all of this will  be hanging in the balance tomorrow at 2:00. Scary shit.

But I have hope and I know that whatever happens we can handle it and will. And I recognize that this is the first of 8 scans over the next two years and probably more to come afterwards, so I am getting myself acquainted with this place in the process and familiarizing myself with the subtle ways it shapes our days and ways.

And having said all of that: all I really want for Christmas is this cancer never ever to come back but let’s start with a clean scan tomorrow. Send us good thoughts.

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