I woke up in the night last night and couldn’t get back to sleep. I lay in bed my mind whirring away- picking at every little thought and action of the day. I eventually fell back asleep and had a strange dream that our neighbor (with whom I am not very close) hugged me out of the blue. When I asked him, “why are you hugging me?” He answered, “because I like you, and everything is going to be OK.” The dream is sticking with me.
When we first moved to our new home, I targeted these neighbors as potential new best friends. But things were doomed from the get go. The first time they invited us over for dinner, I was so eager to start our new friendship that we went even though our daughter clearly had a fever. I learned my lesson the hard way: she vomited all over their living room 5 minutes after we arrived. We rescheduled. That first summer we had several get togethers with the neighbors. They invited us, we invited them, they invited us, we invited them and then- they stopped inviting us. My man and I took it hard at first. “They don’t like us- how could that be, what’s not to like? ” was our general attitude. My husband moved on, but I was hurt and insulted for many months. Let’s face it- rejection at any age and in any form is hard.
I started to care less that our neighbors rejected us when we met people who didn’t. Over the last 3 years we have built our own community of friends, so I no longer need to sit in a darkened room peering out at the party across the street wishing we had been invited.
Perhaps my dream was prompted by this blog. I love the name, “Don’t waste your cancer,” and its message- cancer is a wake up call. Last night as I lay awake analyzing my life it occurred to me that perhaps my recent moodiness has something to do with this sentiment. I am a harsh judge of myself and now I get to add to the list of personality traits I am constantly monitoring and grading whether or not I am ‘awake’ enough after such a narrow escape. And I get to grade my man on it too.
We have now completely fallen back into our normal routines. And I think I have been giving us a failing grade for that and it has been pissing me off. Its a struggle- this summer all I wanted was normalcy and now it is here, as if my man was never diagnosed and that doesn’t feel quite right either.
I am not sure how this relates to my dream but they feel connected in some way. Plus I’m not grumpy anymore- although I did get slightly miffed when my man asked me if I was grumpy 10 times last night even though I wasn’t.